My opinions, updates on my life, all sorts of "randomness"...

"Something went wrong,
You're not laughing.
It's not so easy now to get you to smile.
You gotta be strong,
To walk these streets
And keep from falling.
But when you're not, just let yourself cry.

You've been working hard
Just trying to pay the rent
Tryin' to draw the line between who you are and who you invent.
But if you throw a stone,
Something's gonna shatter somewhere.
We're all so fragile
We're all so scared.

You say you wanna learn how to live your life without tears,
But we've been trying to do that for thousands of years.
So go on and cry Ophelia
It's the only thing to do sometimes.
You know I'm crying too
Right there with you
It's alright, Ophelia
Everybody cries...

You pray for rain
But you don't want it from a storm.
Yeah, you find a rose
And cut your finger on a thorn.

So go on and cry, Ophelia
It's the only thing to do sometimes.
You know I'm crying too
Right there with you
It's alright, Ophelia
Everybody cries." ~~"Cry Ophelia," Adam Cohen

I finally went to visit Kenny's grave today. I've been saying I was going to for a year now, but I haven't. I've even driven there a couple times, but turned around before going in. This was my first time following through. I wasn't ready. Even today, when I actually went, I wasn't ready.

I think about him every day. Every day, there's at least one moment where something makes me think of him. Mundane things like bright colored socks, flipping through a photo album, talking to people who know him, or just for no real reason. And of course there's always the stranger on the street, that with a brief glance & a wonderful memory lapse I think might be him. It's those moments before everything comes rushing back to me... Those moments when I can tell a story that involves him & still laugh...Until the pain of reality sets in & I have to choke back tears, pretend to be okay.

Today was about reality. The reality of being in the cemetery, & seeing his name. When I found his grave, there was no way I could hold the tears in. The came streaming out, seemingly never-ending. I'm not sure how long I sat there, just crying... And when I would momentarily be able to pull myself together, I'd try to talk, & the tears would start again. I miss him so much...